I have a brain scan tomorrow. Those are five words I never thought would come out of my mouth. And yet, here I am. This is really happening. I have cancer. So bizarre for me to say. Difficult to wrap my mind around. I have a masters in counseling and don't think I am in denial. I'm not mad. I'm not numb. I'm not sad. I'm just me. I'm here. Those days of anger, shock and self pity may come. I might face them a hour from now, tomorrow or in a month. I'm okay with that. I really am.
Because today the sun is pouring in my window and the sky is blue. Today. It really is blue!
FA has taught me to live in the moment. Just be. I know by now to dive into the wave of emotions rather than ignore them.
Fortunately or unfortunately, life has prepared for me for this. #battleready I call it. We are all in one. A battle. It just looks different for each person. Mine just happens to be a compromised digestive system, a diagnosis of Friedreich's Ataxia and now stage IV breast cancer. A new challenge, for sure but it doesn't change my direction or my outlook on life. God is still God. And He is still good. So good.
This journey started the first week in January. After the initial appointment when it was believed to be cancer, I left my doctors office and turned to my mom and said, "Well, buckle up."
And not only has my family buckled up, they are holding me up. Literally. Every stinking appointment they have been there. My friends. Incredible. The Lord. Amazing.
This story, His story, is not over. I may not understand it or like it but that doesn't give me reason to not be faithful in it.
So today, I will choose to rest in Him. That's all I can do. Really, that's all I want to do. And lots of laughing. Don't forget the laughter.
Even if the brain scan doesn't turn out the way I want it to, I'll make a choice to laugh. Maybe through tears but I'll still choose joy.
You heard it here, folks. You can hold me accountable.